CALIFORNIA - Disneyland

There are a few simple tests you can use to see whether a person is dead. Lack of heartbeat / pulse and whatever are some of the classics. But possibly the most surefire way of testing deadness is offering someone a trip to Disneyland. If they don't get overly excited or even vaguely hyper, you can just start picking out an urn for their ashes there and then. When Olivia's friend in LA, Akunna, suggested a Disney trip I got more excited than it's really advisable for anyone to be and, of course, I wasn't to be disapointed.


Olivia, Akunna and Olivia's sister, Laura, outside Sleeping Beauty's castle. Either I'm getting taller or these castles are getting shorter.

Having been to Paris and Orlando before, I can safelty say that the LA branch of the Disney empire is by far the smallest but also the quanitest of them all. All the requisite elements which bring forth Disney joy are in place: the colourful fakery of the buildings which all give a pleasingly hollow sound when knocked, the boundless enthusiasm of everyone working there no matter how tedious their job and the careful design of every single ride to ensure that it all has a story which begins in the queue and doesn't finish until you're out of the door. There's no such thing as a roller coaster in Disney. Just wild stories featuring "drops, sharp turns and sudden stops." Disneyland isn't just about thrills and spills but, really, it's experiences.

It's a slightly different experience, though, going to Disneyland when you're thirteen and not a fan of fast rides than when you're twenty three, have been on a few rough plane flights and are in a group with three other theme park junkies. As such, we attacked the wonder of Disneyland from the outset, and systematically covered every attraction in the park. Here's the rundown:

1) Indiana Jones
This was the ride I'd been looking forward to most before coming, being an Indiana Jones junkie and this being a ride exclusive to the LA brach of Disneyland. It's a cross between a roller coaster and a recreation of driving the freeways in LA. Immensly bumpy, but actually not too rough and the effects are great. You're basiclaly in the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark, trying to escape a temple before it collapses down around you. It's got bugs, it's got fire and it has an immense boulder rolling moment which is just fantastic. Also, the queuing area itself is an adventure featuring excevations, secret codes and little ropes saying "Do not pull" which is just an invitation to mess around with them.


The ancient and mysterious Temple of Mara, home of the Indiana Jones ride. Note the ancient and mysterious queing area of Mara as well as the ancient and mysterious litter bin of Mara.

It was such a fun ride that we asked the nice Disney people to let us ride it again. And, when they refused, we got out of sight of them and Laura showed us how to jump over the barrier to get back to the front of the queue. (In our defence, it was a quiet day at Disney with queues no more than twenty minutes all day. And the only people who noticed were a nice family who were impressed with our dexterity and wanted to know all the spots of queue hop in the park.) And we got to ride in the front both times. We rule.

2) Splash Mountain
I hated this one when I was a kid. It's a tortorous experience when you're a nervous rider. Basically you're waiting for the end of the ride: a fifty foot near vertical drop. But rather than just getting to it, Splash Mountain puts you through five minutes of slow boat rides and animal songs to heighten the anticipation / act as a sedative. Despite feeling a lot less intimidated by this one as I once was, I only managed to pull silly poses as far as the little camera which takes embarassing pictures of your screaming. Otherwise, I was hanging on for dear life and wishing for a nice roller coaster.


Splash Mountain. Notice the cute fitieth anniversary badge and the poor suckers doing the drop.

3) Matterhorn and Big Thunder Mountain
Strangely enough, Disneyland has two rollercasters which are pretty much the same. Matterhorn is an exclusive: a bobsleigh run around a giant mountain where you're pestered by the menacing red eyes of a big yeti type thing. Big Thunder Mountain has been exported all over the world and has you racing around a different mountain, this time in a train and often in the dark. They both rock.


The Matterhorn is a darn impressive sight in the park. You can see the crazy guys who spent most of the day climbing and abseilling down it: in the blazing California sun.

Having survived both of these, we decided to go tackle the biggest ride in the park:

4) Space Mountain


Moments away from riding Space Mountain. Look how happy and non brain squashed we were.

Not too long ago you wouldn't have even got me to look at a ride like this. An immensly fast, twisting coaster. And all in the dark. If I list things I hate then all those would be somewhere near the top. The thing you soon learn about roller coasters is that they're always pretty short. And, although being in the dark is freaky, it's probably better not to be able to see that you'e about to go through a nasty corkscrew. But, then, a bumpy landing at Cincinnati Airport is a lot worse (although admittedly that doesn't ake your brain physically ache so much inside your head than Space Mountain.) Full marks, also, to Akunna for her truly awesome levels of screaming. Good fun, but I need a few months recouperation before doing it again, thanks very much.

5) Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters

Okay, so whoever designed this one should get an award for the most fun ride in the history of the world. Ever. It's a mix of a ride and a trip to Lazerquest where you're given a gun and have to shoot all sorts of alien nasties whilst you ride around listening to music from Toy Story And they give you a score at the end so you can see how great/shamed you should feel from the whole experience. Olivia and I (both non gun people and me with only my left hand) took on Laura and Akunna. The results you can see below by virtue of the handy in ride camera (which, embarassingly enough, we didn't realise were there until afterwards)



Olivia and I kicked Laura and Akunna's butts. Easy to see why: note the seriousness of our experessions and the purposefullness in our shooting. Whilst Akunna looks thoroughly terrified by the whole business. Incidentally, notice that although Olivia beat me, she had more hands than me.

6) It's a Small World and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
And finally we get to the truly scary Disney rides. These are the ones which stay with you long after the day is over. It's a Small World is an infamous voyage through a happy, clappy and united world which makes you want to scream and vomit in equal measure. It was made for the World's Fair in the fifties and, sadly, hasn't been updated since. There's something very disconcerting about the fact that every African country is represented by people in masks playing bongo drums. And there's a weird bit with a cowboy dancing with a native American guy. The sheep will lay down with the lion, and all that.


Olivia puts on a brave face during It's a Small World.

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride has been championed by my family for some decades now, ever since we read unflattering reviews of it in a Disneyworld Guide Book (the British, you understand, always root for the underdog) Ten years later and Mr. Toad's charms remain precisely the same in their slow, trundling, pastel painted glory. But the ride has a bizarre metaphysiology which is slightly disturbing: Mr. Toad rides around the British countryside causing all sorts of bother, is tried and imprisoned by a judge without a jury in sight, goes to jail and escapes only to hit a train and be sent to hell... Where the ride ends. Now that's all really rather disturbing when you think about it. Not sure how the ten year olds cope.

One fireworks display later, followed by a quick escape (to all those we nearly flattened on our mad dash out of Disneyland: we apologise. It was all Laura's fault) and a three hour drive later we were back in the hills with our lives, wallets and brains intact. A joyous day.


Posing with snakes and swords in the Indiana Jones shop...


... but none of us can wear a hat quite like Laura.