SYDNEY - Ask Me About Shoes

As I'm sure you are all aware, I am one of the world's greatest experts on all things shoe related. Therefore it was no surprise whatsoever to find myself employed on the front desk of the Australian Shoe Fair this week; my first job in Australia. Actually, the job had very little to do with shoes. Somewhere in the cavernous convention centre behind me I was aware of the presence of this large conference, but my employers were the company dealing with the registration of exhibitors and delegates. That didn't stop people, however, from assuming that because myself and colleagues were the first people they saw on their way into the centre, we were obviously in charge of the whole thing and, indeed, the universe. Here's just a selection of the many shoe related questions I was asked over a three day period:


Behind the desk at the Australian Shoe Fair. Life does not get more exciting!

- How do I find taxis / car parking / ATMs etc?

To be fair, not unreasonable demands. But bonus extra no points for the best request in this particular category How do I find a better cup of coffee than the crap they're serving in there?

- Where do I buy Rob Thomas tickets?

Perhaps not unreasonable given that the Sydney Entertainment Centre is only five minutes away from the Sydney Convention Centre and looks identical. Except for the large 'Sydney Convention Centre' and 'Shoe Fair' signs right in front of everyone's faces, of coruse.

- Do you know anything about [INSERT ANY TYPE OF SHOE/FASHION RELATED QUESTION HERE]?

Do I look like I would? Really? I bought my work shoes from a market stall and the rest of my work clothes from a clearence sale, that's all you need to know about me and fashion.

- Do you know how to get to the Melbourne Exhibition Centre?

What made you think I did? My English accent or the fact I'm working in Sydney?

- Do you speak Portuguese?

Yes, actually, I do. Which was convinient as the person who asked this had brought along a Brazilian associate who didn't speak any English. Understanding that they needed to find a bathroom and directing them there felt like a justification for all my hard learnt Portuguese. That and spending three months in Brazil, obviously.


Check out the black shirts. It's that unique blend of trendyness and facist overtones which makes the fashion industry what it is, I feel.

All in all, it was a fun weekend and it's always a pleasure to deal with my two favourite types of people. The nice, friendly ones who want to give you some helpful insights about living in Australia. And the rude so-and-sos who you can feel free to give all sorts of helpful insights about walking away from your desk. Mostly the great Australian public were the best bunch, seeing as how this was a trade show and they were told they couldn't come in, nobody gave any trouble. The real problem bunch were the (ahem) fashion types who decided they didn't need to bring any ID, or could ignore the little notes on the publicity about bringing children / members of their extended family / half the population of Korea with them.

My favourite: the woman who told me that the no children policy in a fashion industry trade show constituted discrimination. I might have made some point about aboriginals, but we had a long queue to deal with. My least favourite, the ten year old Italian girl who looked crestfallen as her mother went into the show without her and who walked her grandmother too and fro in front of the entry doors with a miserable look on her face for half an hour until she returned. It's experiences like that which remind me why I don't work in the fashion industry. It's a real cut-throat kind of a place.